Dating Ozzy Osbourne

While every girl is dying to be with Johnny Depp, I am dating Ozzy Osbourne. Dating the Black Sabbath lead vocalist is better than dating Johnny Depp because of the following reasons: 1. Johnny Depp is too hot for me;2. Dating Johnny Depp means having to compete against other hot girls who also want to get hold of his body;3. Johnny Depp is a lot younger, which means he is a priceless commodity; 4. Johnny Depp is not married compared to Ozzy, where you still have to be ready for a fistfight with her wife, Sharon, to finally date the godfather of heavy metal, which brings out the excitement in every girl conquering someone like Ozzy.

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll ask him to take me to the cemetery and bury some fish and dog bones. And then, we’ll sit on a tomb and kiss under the full moon.

If I were to date Ozzy, we’ll be sitting outside his house (with Sharon tied on another chair) and feel the romantic and relaxing atmosphere with one or two more outdoor fire pits. And since an outdoor fire pit can encourage a nice flow of conversation between us, we’ll be talking about holy and unholy things. Long live outdoor fire pits!

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll invite him to a tea party and make him drink lots of tea instead of alcohol. Then we’ll go to San Antonio and promise everybody he won’t urinate again on the cenotaph built by the people as a sign of honor to those who died at the Alamo.

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll take him to the zoo and there he would see lions, birds and zebras and after a moment, he would bite their heads off. With blood on his lips, we will kiss and no security guards will ever interrupt us anymore.

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll make him attend to meetings of parent-teacher associations, let him speak in front of the teachers and parents to assure them that he’s not evil and he won’t make their children evil.

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll tell his wife Sharon to shut up and date Johnny Depp instead.

10 things Hitler should have done before he died

No one wants to die, especially if you’re one of those men who are committing sins above the average number of sins an average person should commit (don’t tell God). Another thing, no one wants to die if you’re as bad as Hitler (because you know hell is waiting for you).

According to Aristotle, man is born with the capacity to execute fair and proper judgment towards things. Before judging Hitler as an evil tyrant, maybe it’s time to offer sympathy and make him less evil just for a few hours or even a few days. As a temporary Hitler sympathizer, here are some of the things I would have suggested Hitler if he was to live today and then die for the purpose of making his life less miserable.

1. Hitler should have pursued his passion for art. He should have painted flowers and beautiful landscapes for him to realize that planting daffodils is better than conquering countries.
2. Hitler should have smoked weed with the Jews in his garage so he could realize that being a racist is worse than being a drug addict.
3. Hitler should have watched a lot of porn so he would be staying inside his room and would have forgotten to declare war against Russia, Italy and UK.
4. Hitler should have created a Facebook account so he could get the opportunity to communicate with the Jews, tag photos comment on status and get to like posts.
5. Hitler should have killed Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. He could have slit Paris’ throat for her negative depiction of women in pop culture and rich girls as spoiled brats. He could have mutilated Britney’s genitalia for not wearing panties and for being an irresponsible mother.
6. Hitler should have gone to the Philippines, visit the beaches and appreciate peace not merely as a concept but as an advocacy. He could have been relaxing by then, with an outdoor fire pit in front of him. Outdoor fire pits are supposed to make you feel the warmth of living your life to the fullest. He would have bought lots of outdoor fire pits and find solace.
7. Hitler should have done his hair in dreadlocks so he could be a bit cool and he would learn to understand other people’s culture.
8. Hitler should have watched the Scrappy Coco movie and then get to realize that changing the world could be done in hair salons.
9. Hitler should have talked to Megan Fox and then tell her to show some personality, not just some skin. Next time a reporter interviews her, I hope he could show a slice of her intellect (if she has one).
10. Hitler should have played in a black metal band and inflict violence and hatred only in songs, not to his people.

The Cockroach Massacre

Because no one loves an annoying cockroach, a cult was formed by its members who vowed to kill every living cockroach in honor of the housewives who keep waking their husbands up with their loud screams each time they see a crawling cockroach. Why the cockroach massacre? Obviously, because it’s a copycat of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, only it’s not just Texas and they don’t do it with a chainsaw.

If you want to be a cockroach killer, here are some important pointers for the training for you to eventually get the join the cult.

1. Practice the art of killing by killing your cat with a fork. If you can’t kill it after 20 seconds, then you’re just another loser.
2. Burning moths in the candle is no longer a big story for grown ups. Why not grill your dog alive with an outdoor fire pit? With outdoor fire pits, you don’t have to get messy building a fire. (By the way, outdoor fire pits are not just helpful in bringing out a relaxing atmosphere and motivates warm conversations, they’re also helpful in grilling your dogs alive).
3. If you still believe that an ant has some skin on its fragile body (after a terrible argument with your mom who believes ants don’t have skins), then trust your instinct and skin it with a samurai sword. Being able to skin the ant without cutting the ant’s body means you are one tough bastard, congratulations!
4. Get a fly and place it inside an oven. Toast it and then feed its burn bosdy to the dogs in the neighborhood.
5. Slice the cow’s balls and place it inside an electric blender. Pour it in a glass and serve it to mom and dad.
6. Catch a rat and throw it from the 10^th floor to the first floor. Get its eyeballs as replacement for your teddy bear’s lost eyeballs.
7. Catch a pregnant mosquito and place it inside the freezer. After two hours, carefully slice its belly and get the egg. Stir fry and enjoy.
8. Slice your horse’s testicles and feed it to another horse (you are what you eat).
9. Throw a grenade to a sleeping bird inside a cage.
10. Get a rabbit and place it inside a gas chamber. Be sure to strap its body in the chair.

The performances above are intended for your practice for the finale, the main event- the cockroach massacre. Please do try this at home.

Why Scrappy Coco is a Hero

Scrappy Coco shouldn’t only be remembered because of his large testicles and the fact that he’s giving every senior citizen one good favor- a free sex service after the haircut. The Zohan has his own propaganda- Lather. Rinse. Save the world.

Here are some of my reasons why Scrappy Coco should not just be the older women’s hero.

1. Scrappy Coco doesn’t want to fight anymore, the only thing he wants is to work for Paul Mitchell, cut hair and please the senior citizens.
2. Scrappy Coco has the balls to tell his fellowmen that he is tired about the never ending war between the Israelites and the Palestinians- that he doesn’t want to get connected to more bombings and killings. He is an inspiration to all the soldiers in the world who use drugs, undergo methadone detox and other psychiatric proceedings after facing trauma in the battlefields. He aspires to make the world silky smooth.
3. Scrappy Coco proves to the world that we can still live together in one street and one house even if we belong to different races.
4. Scrappy Coco teaches every man that having a penis also means making every girl happy, even if she’s fifty years older than you.
5. Scrappy Coco is a hero because takes care of animals, especially goats.
6. Scrappy Coco teaches every man that to be a man doesn’t mean being in battlefields and killing people- to be a man is to have the courage to fight for your dream even if you have to cut hair and be a successful hair stylist.
7. Scrappy Coco teaches us that Mariah is really not a bitch, as others think she is.
8. Scrappy Coco teaches us about love and loving the owner of the house you are living in.
9. Scrappy Coco teaches us that every woman craves to be pampered. That older women still have some craving for sex aside from getting their hair done.
10. Scrappy Coco teaches us that your hot boss can soon be your hot girlfriend.

To Scrappy Coco, you’re not a piece of crap, actually you should be a hero. You’re not just a piece of testicle, you’re an anti-war activist, a disco advocate and a passionate lover of the senior citizens. Long live Scrappy Coco!

Starving artists

A writer eats books when he or she is hungry of ideas. A painter eats paintbrushes and paintings to artistically vomit on the canvass. A director eats a number of DVDs to direct good films. Artists don’t only get starved like ordinary human beings starving for pathetic human food, they starve as gods, merely as artists.

Remember J.K. Rowling, the wizard behind Harry Potter? Before you knew Harry as the boy wizard at Hogwarts School of Magic and Wizardry, Rowling was just another ordinary writer with unpublished works saved in her computer’s hard disk. Now, she is earning millions, thanks to her imagination. Her starvation for creative ideas continually motivates her to write.

While writers eat books of other favorite authors, painters continually eat paintings. A painter doesn’t only paint on a canvass. A painter paints on his mind before he starts on the canvass. He paints of a concept before he paints of an image. Painters present their works, find some professional to handle their art presentations and art shipping to other famous art galleries. After Picasso and other popular painters painted their famous masterpieces for the world to see, they went home, slept and the next day, they starved for another concept to paint.

Starving artists are artistically starving artists with artistically starving hearts and brains, all for one artistic purpose- to produce and give meaning to art.

Shopping with Marilyn Manson

Marilyn Manson is a genius, he is such a skinny genius. I don’t mind him being skinny as long as he’s a genius and an anti-christ superstar.

Yes, he hates Jesus. In his songs, he openly relates he doesn’t believe in a god, who he believes, doesn’t exist. Well, I don’t care if he’s an anti-christ superstar as long as he creates good music and he’s one skinny bastard. No wonder Dita Von Teese married him (and then left him). Forget about the sexy Dita Von Teese and face my next question: how would you like to go shopping with Marilyn Manson?

Well, I think you’ll enjoy shopping with Marilyn Manson. Think of all the other guys out there willing to strip naked and get raped only to be with the anti-christ superstar.

If you’ll go shopping with MM, you’ll be looking for some black and white tights.

If you’ll go shopping with MM, you’ll be going to the cosmetics section and find some black or red lipsticks and eyeliners. He won’t be MM without a lipstick or eyeliner.

If you’ll go shopping with MM, you’ll be looking for some outdoor fire pits (reminder: he loves drama). An outdoor fire pit can make him think of the fires of hell, which he’ll think is cool.

If you’ll go shopping with MM, you’ll be shopping for some porn movies. What do you expect? He loves profanity! He even made one of his band members watch porn while strumming the strings of his guitar as a form of experiment.

After shopping for eyeliners and outdoor fire pits, where will you guys go? How about having dinner with Britney Spears? Imagine MM talking with Britney, asking her to kill herself because she’s too fat and shaving her hair because he wants her bald. I think this is not such an awful sight after all. He can encourage Britney to be a sweet anti-christ pop superstar and then no more fat Britney with Paris Hilton. Anti-christ superstars are supposed to be pale and skinny, at least that’s what my mom told me.

dealing with boring zombies

While everyone in your neighborhood is eaten by freak zombies, you are in the porch of your two storey house, sitting on your favorite chair, enjoying the day with your outdoor fire pit.

Of course I’m exaggerating. After watching zombies feasting on another human being’s body, zombies chasing cute guys and hot mommas, zombies chasing soon-to-be lovers in the story, zombies walking stupid, zombies with bulging eyes and zombies eating other zombies, I realized two important things about zombies: 1. Zombies can’t close their mouths; 2. If you want to live without zombies eating your insides, build a higher gate as fortress and have a porch or a pool. Zombies are scared of water (that’s why there are no zombies hiding in the water) and they hate fire.

Outdoor fire pits can add to the dramatic effect of the whole scenario- and there you are, sitting comfortably sitting near the pool or the porch, watching the gross zombie scenes and drinking some expired soda. What a cool way to find real entertainment. Zombies are brainless carnivores so they won’t mind skipping you for lunch or dinner, they just keep walking wherever they feel like walking. So much about stupid zombies, why can’t they be vegetarians instead?

If Iraq is endlessly conquered for oil, zombie movies are also never ending. They all have the same bloody zombies, they all walk stupid and they all chase the hot guys. And another thing: they all look desperately the same. In the movie industry, zombies can compete against Jason, Freddie, Michael Myers, the Chainsaw killer, the pervert Chuckie, and the other killers and carnivores of our pop culture.

Next time the zombies invade your neighborhood, a cool music, some wine and an outdoor fire pit can make you feel less bored with those freak zombies.

The Rastafarians on Marijuana

When you’re a Rastafarian, you’re supposed to be smoking cannabis. Well, that’s not a form of judgment, it’s just part of the Rastafarian movement.

The Rastafarian movement claims to be a form of religion. It insists that Jesus is black and all Rastas call their god Jah. And while the government is busy arresting ganja users and promoting drug detox programs, the Rastas are busy smoking weed- all for the purpose of spirituality and self awareness.

Cannabis, or popularly known as marijuana, is the Rastafarian’s holy weed. The Rastas consider smoking marijuana as their way to enlightenment and purging of the mind and body. If the Rolling Stones and other rock bands during the era of the generation X were accused of being in a devil’s trance while writing the songs, the Rastas openly smoke cannabis for their spiritual trance. If you’re a poet Rasta who desires to write an enlightening poem, then smoke some cannabis. If you’re a Rasta forming a band with reggae inspired genre and in deep search of good songs, then smoke some cannabis. If you’re a Rasta who wants to paint your final masterpiece, then smoke some cannabis. If Buddha was a Rasta, he could have been smoking weed to attain nirvana rather than sitting on the ground, meditating.

Reggae has been judged as a genre for smoking weed, like it’s a good excuse why some people use marijuana. It’s as if smoking weed is a law to everyone who enjoys reggae music and loves dreadlocks. Don’t blame me, point your fingers to pop culture and blame it to the blamers.

If the government lets the Rastafarian movement openly smoke marijuana to show its respect to other people’s culture, then everyone must be really happy to join the group. No Rasta will be complaining again that the government’s law against marijuana is its form of control to its people, to prevent them from reaching self awareness and control over their mind and body. If you’re not a Rastafarian and you’ll be caught smoking weed, you have a 50% chance of not being put to jail, tell them about equality and your right to smoke weed just like the Rastas.

The Holy Marijuana

Before you started smoking weed in your garage and before your mom judged the reputation of dreadlocks (dreadlocks should not be considered mainstream because it’s supposed to be part of another culture) the Christians, the Muslims, the Buddhists and other religions already recognized the holiness of cannabis.

That was ages ago, way before marijuana was considered illegal and the government started to believe that it’s not an ordinary weed that you can plant at your backyard. It’s MARIJUANA for God’s sake.

But I think I’ll sound overreacting if I say those who smoke weed should undergo a rehab treatment. Think of all the Rastas in the world to be arrested and then transported to rehabilitation institutions. What a mess.

If Buddha was your roommate

Imagine forgetting your plans to rent apartments and then move in with a hot roommate. Imagine having the chance to become Siddharta Gautama’s (the other name of Buddha) roommate. Buddhism is, I believe, an ideal religion. It’s a good religion to concentrate on “the self” and seek self enlightenment. And when your life is all messed up, why not try Buddha as your new roommate?

If Buddha was your roommate, you would see him sit on the floor, meditating for how many hours and your stereo is off limits because it can distract his meditation process.

If Buddha was your roommate, you would not be allowed to watch MTV or play any black metal songs. Silence is one of the best ways to reach Nirvana so shut up and be silent.

If Buddha was your roommate you couldn’t let a hot girlfriend or hot boyfriend sleep in your room. Buddha had one strong campaign against the world of senses- against sex and other worldly things. He might not get the chance to remind you about the rule because he might be too busy meditating for a couple of days in order to seek enlightenment. But then, this is one important rule you should really keep in mind.

If Buddha was your roommate, he would criticize you for wearing expensive clothes and spending too much money on other material things.

If Buddha was your roommate, mom and dad would be so proud of you. They could imagine a self enlightened you, living with a holy figure and abiding by his rules (specifically not bringing a boyfriend or girlfriend).

If Buddha was your roommate, I say you’re one lucky bastard.