Wrestlers Saving the World

Just when you are already on the edge of convincing yourself that the world is becoming an annoying habitat, you happened to watch Batista, The Edge, The Undertaker and other big guys in the TV fighting in and out the ring, almost naked. Then the bells ring and the wrestlers are happily saving the world.

Sorry Powerpuff Girls, the wrestlers are willing enough to save the day. And if you’re thinking they don’t have the chemical X to make them fly and fight the monsters for them to be labeled as “superheroes”, technically, they are still superheroes because they are proudly appearing in public with just their underwear on (like Batman and Superman). Here are my theories why wrestlers could save the world:

*Because we have problems regarding the world’s higher oil demand and some factories that manufacture clothes offer higher prices for the cost of the production because they are consuming oil for their machines, majority of the wrestlers refuse to wear any clothing except their underwear. By just wearing underwear, they are encouraging their fans to shop less, which leads to lower production of clothing manufacturers and less consumption of oil. (I am unsympathetic right now, no to shopping as of this moment)

*Wrestlers inflict violence against their enemies without getting them killed (even when they are jumping on each other’s heads and swinging chairs on their faces)- a good influence to terrorists to promote torture against their enemies and not totally killing them. Thus, there will be no more deaths in the world.

*Wrestlers motivate people to eat and take care of their body. Strong and healthy people can build a strong nation. Wrestlers make other people realize that you don’t have to be skinny to be famous. Therefore, there will be no dinner bell to be ignored by people who are considered victims of fashion TV (and other porn videos promoting that sex is only for the skinny girls and lean men).

*Wrestlers teach the world to fight for love- that women are worth fighting for in front of hundreds of people. Thus, the world will be free from acts of cruelty.

Imagine the world becoming a nice place to live in, where people are only wearing their underwear and the terrorists are too busy watching the wrestlers and enjoying their gym equipment for them to make bombs and become suicide bombers. Imagine the no-longer-violent-men buying farm bells to bring back good old memories instead of buying high powered guns and grenades to mark tragic scenes. To all the wrestlers, thank you for saving the world.

 

 

PS
You are the reason why I am writing with just my underwear right now. I love the violence.

The Revenge Against Barbie

(Written by me, the insecure demon child)

Barbie is not hot. Believe me, she’s just another Paris Hilton hosting all those white trash parties. If you love melting plastic materials, then you must love killing Barbie (and hopefully Hilton). Don’t mind Ken, he’s a no good guy. If you have been playing Barbie dolls when you were younger, then this too along with the other normal little girls, is your revenge. And if you are one of those brothers of the little girls who used to pull off Barbie’s arms and legs, cut her blonde hair and burned her body in the camp fire, then you deserve a little reward.

It was reported that Barbie dolls have lead content that can cause brain damage. As Jay Leno said if your little girl is playing Barbie dolls, then most probably your kid is going to end up like Barbie. Now I won’t make Jay Leno shut up, I must admit, he has a point. Bringing back old times with Barbie dolls? Well, they just rekindle stupid memories when you once wished you were pretty like Barbie but you can’t be pretty because you have pimples and you’re not skinny.

So why get your revenge against Barbie? Here are your motivations:

1. Barbie influences the little girls with these wrong ideas about being a woman. 1. That women are only considered beautiful when they’re skinny, blonde, long haired and long legged; 2. That beautiful women must wear skirts and fabulous dresses to be loved by boys. Indeed, Barbie set the standard of what is a beautiful woman.

2. Barbie pushes the girls to reach their puberty at an early stage – wear make up and get more boys. Barbie steals their childhood experiences. Daddy’s little girl is off wondering in the streets for boys. expect her to skip dinner because she’s on a diet.

3. Barbie influences the girls that the girls are just created by God to put on some make up, some nice gowns, skimpy skirts, halter tops and low neckline dresses everyday of their lives and their worries only include cosmetics and hair salons. And the worries about the world of politics and economics? Barbie should have clearly pointed out to leave it to the male species.

If you’re still not completely motivated, then you need to drink some soda and sushi to awaken your senses. And if you’re wondering if I ever played with Barbie way back when I was a sweet little girl, the answer is yes, every girl does. Every girl is Barbie’s victim so don’t ask me why I am so pissed off with Barbie.

Now I am in a quest to kill Barbie in our pop culture and bury her where no little girl can ever find her again. Finally, every little girl’s sweet revenge.

Women Hate Women

(Thoughts while looking for the most watched porn videos in the most watched porn site)

Pornographic materials are always tagged with one of these words: SEXY SECRETARY. Sooner, you won’t be reading or hearing this one only in porn videos. Porn sites that feature sexy secretaries, playful college girls or naughty nuns are considered acceptable- (you can’t tell the world to ban every porn site because of the fact that the porn industry is royalty, porn sites are earning hard cash so be kind enough and think about the taxes) but offices and companies that only hire secretaries who qualify as “sexy secretaries”? I say this is insanity. I suggest gongs here for a little drama.

(While being told about a woman accusing a man a pervert while she was posing naked for a photo shoot)

So every woman is looking for liberation. After getting tired of burning bras, they tried to find ways to achieve liberation. When there were no more bras to burn, they turned to their clothes and stripped naked. When men looked at their bodies like hungry vultures, they got angry and called everyone a pervert. So much for your so called liberation against the male hormones.

In the world of airlines, flight attendants cannot be called as flight attendants not unless if they’re sexy, skinny, long haired and long legged (maybe because it’s the businessmen that are always traveling). The absurd thing here is that women are proud to become objects of the testosterone world. One flight attendant commented from an interview that she was fired because she was attractive. Here’s the real story- the flight attendant was actually fired because she was posting sensual photos in her blog wearing her official uniform. The company found the act embarrassing and degrading to the company reputation. And here’s the embarrassing part- the strongest accusation she could find was that the airlines today prefer to hire fat and ugly flight attendants. Now, why am I embarrassed? Well, why shouldn’t I? All along, some women are fighting to make men realize that a woman should not be hired in an office because she has good skills not because she has good boobs. But here’s this flight attendant making a strong conclusion that attractive women (what she meant by attractive women here are those who will willingly pull their skirts and show more skin just to get promoted and get accepted in a testosterone driven culture) should be the only ones to be hired as flight attendants. Well, what does she expect, loud gongs from all the women (what I mean women by women here are those women with calloused feet, skinny women, fat women, women with big glasses, women with scarred faces and finally women)?

(Meditating while watching Bart Simpson and getting curious after the big news that Marj Simpson will pose for Playboy magazine to beat Cindy Crawford and Pamela Anderson)

Women hate women and men don’t hate men. Maybe every women should need a meditation gong and men need some more testosterone photos and videos. Anyway, I don’t hate Cindy Crawford and Dianne Lane, they’re both hot women, I can very well understand the liberation there. Maybe I need to learn how to form fragments and then form a cult to make up my mind why women hate women.

God Save the Fame

Don’t believe in your Science teacher when she tells you about the stars being ten thousand light years away from the earth. She’s actually a big fat liar. Tell her the stars are just a few clicks away. And if she’s still giving you all those scientific arguments, tell her to familiarize herself with the 1click2fame talent competition so she can have a bitter picture of what you are talking about.

Yes, the next star might be just living in your neighborhood. If you’re from Lancashire, the fame capital of UK, then maybe you should learn a little history about your place. reported by 1ClicktoFame as the hotspot “for producing superstars per capita than anywhere else in the country”. Now, that’s interesting.

Please stop convincing yourself that Ozzy Osbourne is from another universe or John Lennon was from another planet. The FAME100 Talent Map reveals Britain’s hotspots of talented musicians and actors. Every city is represented by celebrities that are highly recognized all over the world. And I’m not just talking about Ozzy here, I’m talking about James Blunt, Leona Lewis, Guy Ritchie, the guys of Duran Duran, Paul McCartney and many more famous stars. Well, what can I say? UK is definitely the home of shining stars, not the black outer space.

To continue the legacy, the 1Click2Fame online talent competition is accepting professional performance videos featuring a wide range of talents, from dancing and singing to the most creative performances of artists. It’s an online voting, so it’s important to be friendly in online communities for you to get their votes. The FAME100 Talent Map is the living testimony that UK is indeed producing

Imagine this scene- you giving your best shot in front of the camera, uploading the video and then after a few weeks or months, you’re more popular than Ozzy Osbourne. How’s that for a successful career?

Next time, when you are asked if the stars are actually blinking or where the brightest stars really are, tell them they’re all in UK.

Defending Yoko Ono

One important thing that foreign countries should remember is this: Yoko Ono is not a witch (as other John Lennon fans called her) and so are the other Asian women.

The love affair of John Lennon and Yoko Ono was considered an honor to the Asian countries while to others, it was purely witchcraft. When you visit other sites related to the Beatle, Paul McCartney, John Lennon and controversies about his love affair, the fans have the same comments: 1. Yoko Ono is a bitch; 2. Yoko Ono is an Asian witch; 3. Yoko Ono is too ugly to be John Lennon’s wife; 4. Yoko Ono was dominating John Lennon, becoming the reason why his career was not soaring high when she became his wife; 5. Yoko Ono is a no good artist- with lame songs and lame art works ,therefore she has no right to insult Paul McCartney.

Yoko is not a bitch and definitely not an Asian witch (though she claims she is, releasing a song entitled ‘Yes, I’m a witch”, (not Asian witch) as an ironic reply to those who keep throwing negative comments against her). She is an activist for peace, knowing the fact that she grew up fighting war. She is an artist and is under a lot of influences and collaborations with other artists and groups. She directed sixteen films and is considered an explorer of conceptual art and performance art. Perhaps her personality as an artist was one of the strong reasons why John Lennon was deeply in love with her that he even wrote a song dedicated to Yoko Ono. Isn’t it possible for both artists fell in love with each other that’s why others can’t understand why John Lennon is into Yoko?

Yoko and John’s former wife, Cynthia, never had a good relationship together. Cynthia once accused of dominating John and enjoying her complete control over him, saying he was into strong women like Yoko. After John’s death, Cynthia Lennon later released a memoir entitled “A Twist of Lennon”.

When Yoko made a speech in an awards night and proudly narrated how John Lennon felt bothered why more artists are covering Paul McCartney’s songs than his, McCartney felt insulted and their relationship got worse. To quote Yoko: “John was very human. In the middle of the night he would say, ˜They
always cover Paul’s songs, they never cover mine’. I said to him,
You’re a good song writer, It’s not June-with-spoon that you write.
You’re a good singer too. Most musicians would be a bit nervous about
covering your songs.”

I believe Yoko did not mean to insult Paul. It was merely a gentle woman’s way to console her beloved. One thing: I don’t believe that John Lennon is insecure to Paul’s song writing skills. Just the fact that he thought about the guy late at night before he slept makes it a living testimony of the Beatle’s respect to another Beatle. Another thing: Yoko was not the one to blame why Paul McCartney and John Lennon never recorded together again or why the Beatles broke up. It’s like blaming boy bands why they’re boy bands. Or blaming Lucifer for being evil.  Ask Paul instead of blaming Asians and calling them names just because you hate Yoko.

Some of Yoko Ono’s works (and why you should stop hating her):

Yoko Ono is an activist for peace and equality. I believe that she was John Lennon’s positive influence in his songs.

“Painting to Be Slept On” by Yoko Ono.

Yoko Ono’s book which features her personal experiences during the Hiroshima bombing and the Second World War II.

Kurt Cobain’s Suicide

When I was younger Kurt Cobain was every teenager’s god. His fate printed every shirt and his song’s played in every room like he was a prophet. And when he killed himself, he became immortal. Hearing him sing was a form of nirvana to the world of pop culture.

To be depressed for caring and not caring too much to other people is an emotion shown by Holden Caulfield, the protagonist and the antagonist of the book entitled the Catcher in the Rye. The supposedly adult book that became the most widely read published novel in high school and college students faced controversies in the year 1961 to 1982. The depression presented in the book was believed to motivate negative emotions to its readers. The shooting of John Lennon by Mark David Chapman, the assassination attempt of John Hinckley on Ronal Reagan and other famous murder cases by that time were all associated with the novel.

If only Cobain did not spend too much time thinking about being sad for other people’s form of entertainment, dreams of hitting more records and more cash by just playing music, then he would have been performing by now. And then on weekends, he’ll be having barbecue parties with his Krist Novoselic and other bandmates who would also buy their own barbecue grills next week. Now, why am I talking about barbecue parties here? Well, for the simple reason that normal people love barbecues. That’s the point.

If only Cobain was a regular father, he would have spent enough time and then learn to develop a personal attachment to his daughter. They would enjoyed shopping for barbecue grills and use them during weekends like any other regular father-daughter who love to shop together. He would have loved spending more time with his little girl and then he’ll forget ever pulling the trigger on his head.

If only Courtney Love was a stereotypical wife who would be a bit sweeter towards Cobain, everything might have changed and Cobain would see a positive influence in Love. They would have been sitting on some park by now watching movies, the normal things normal people would do.

After reading his suicide letter addressed to a childhood imaginary friend, named Boddha, I felt as if the depression started to corrupt me, the same depression I felt after getting emotionally attached to Holden Caulfield in the Catcher in the Rye. Cobain’s suicide letter presents some conclusions about Kurt Cobain: 1. Kurt Cobain saw himself hating almost every human being at the age of seven; 2. Kurt Cobain was no longer having fun performing on stage; 3. Kurt Cobain found himself slowly losing the real Kurt Cobain; and 4. Kurt Cobain wanted to be just like Holden Caulfield, they were both trying to be catchers in the rye. And I am just another Nirvana fan who feels depressed for Kurt Cobain and Holden Caulfield. I’m doe thinking about Kurt Cobain having a nice BBQ grill. Totally awful.

And then, DEPRESSION.

Dating Ozzy Osbourne

While every girl is dying to be with Johnny Depp, I am dating Ozzy Osbourne. Dating the Black Sabbath lead vocalist is better than dating Johnny Depp because of the following reasons: 1. Johnny Depp is too hot for me;2. Dating Johnny Depp means having to compete against other hot girls who also want to get hold of his body;3. Johnny Depp is a lot younger, which means he is a priceless commodity; 4. Johnny Depp is not married compared to Ozzy, where you still have to be ready for a fistfight with her wife, Sharon, to finally date the godfather of heavy metal, which brings out the excitement in every girl conquering someone like Ozzy.

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll ask him to take me to the cemetery and bury some fish and dog bones. And then, we’ll sit on a tomb and kiss under the full moon.

If I were to date Ozzy, we’ll be sitting outside his house (with Sharon tied on another chair) and feel the romantic and relaxing atmosphere while talking about Skrappy Coco, holy and unholy things.

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll invite him to a tea party and make him drink lots of tea instead of alcohol. Then we’ll go to San Antonio and promise everybody he won’t urinate again on the cenotaph built by the people as a sign of honor to those who died at the Alamo.

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll take him to the zoo and there he would see lions, birds and zebras and after a moment, he would bite their heads off. With blood on his lips, we will kiss and no security guards will ever interrupt us.

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll make him attend to meetings of parent-teacher associations, let him speak in front of the teachers and parents to assure them that he’s not evil and he won’t make their children evil. He’ll give dove cufflinks and become the peace speaker of the parents to their children.

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll tell his wife Sharon to shut up and date Johnny Depp instead.

10 things Hitler should have done before he died

No one wants to die, especially if you’re one of those men who are committing sins above the average number of sins an average person should commit (don’t tell God). Another thing, no one wants to die if you’re as bad as Hitler (because you know hell is waiting for you).

According to Aristotle, man is born with the capacity to execute fair and proper judgment towards things. Before judging Hitler as an evil tyrant, maybe it’s time to offer sympathy and make him less evil just for a few hours or even a few days. As a temporary Hitler sympathizer, here are some of the things I would have suggested Hitler if he was to live today and then die for the purpose of making his life less miserable.

1. Hitler should have pursued his passion for art. He should have painted flowers and beautiful landscapes for him to realize that planting daffodils is better than conquering countries.
2. Hitler should have smoked weed with the Jews in his garage so he could realize that being a racist is worse than being a drug addict.
3. Hitler should have watched a lot of porn so he would be staying inside his room and would have forgotten to declare war against Russia, Italy and UK.
4. Hitler should have created a Facebook account so he could get the opportunity to communicate with the Jews, tag photos comment on status and get to like posts.
5. Hitler should have killed Paris Hilton and Britney Spears . He could have slit Paris’ throat for her negative depiction of women in pop culture and rich girls as spoiled brats. He could have mutilated Britney’s genitalia for not wearing panties and for being an irresponsible mother.
6. Hitler should have gone to the Philippines, visit the beaches and appreciate peace not merely as a concept but as an advocacy.
7. Hitler should have done his hair in dreadlocks so he could be a bit cool and he would learn to understand other people’s culture.
8. Hitler should have watched the Scrappy Coco movie and then get to realize that changing the world could be done in hair salons.
9. Hitler should have talked to Megan Fox and then tell her to show some personality, not just some skin. Next time a reporter interviews her, I hope he could show a slice of her intellect (if she has one).
10. Hitler should have played in a black metal band and inflict violence and hatred only in songs, not to his people.

The Cockroach Massacre

Because no one loves an annoying cockroach, a cult was formed by its members who vowed to kill every living cockroach in honor of the housewives who keep waking their husbands up with their loud screams each time they see a crawling cockroach. Why the cockroach massacre? Obviously, because it’s a copycat of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, only it’s not just Texas and they don’t do it with a chainsaw.

If you want to be a cockroach killer, here are some important pointers for the training for you to eventually get the join the cult.

1. Practice the art of killing by killing your cat with a fork. If you can’t kill it after 20 seconds, then you’re just another loser.
2. Burning moths in the candle is no longer a big story for grown ups. Why not grill your dog alive and have a nice meal?
3. If you still believe that an ant has some skin on its fragile body (after a terrible argument with your mom who believes ants don’t have skins), then trust your instinct and skin it with a samurai sword. Being able to skin the ant without cutting the ant’s body means you are one tough bastard, congratulations!
4. Get a fly and place it inside an oven. Toast it and then feed its burn bosdy to the dogs in the neighborhood.
5. Slice the cow’s balls and place it inside an electric blender. Pour it in a glass and serve it to mom and dad.
6. Catch a rat and throw it from the 10^th floor to the first floor. Get its eyeballs as replacement for your teddy bear’s lost eyeballs.
7. Catch a pregnant mosquito and place it inside the freezer. After two hours, carefully slice its belly and get the egg. Stir fry and enjoy.
8. Slice your horse’s testicles and feed it to another horse (you are what you eat).
9. Throw a grenade to a sleeping bird inside a cage.
10. Get a rabbit and place it inside a gas chamber. Be sure to strap its body in the chair.

The performances above are intended for your practice for the finale, the main event- the cockroach massacre. Please do try this at home.

Why Scrappy Coco is a Hero

Scrappy Coco shouldn’t only be remembered because of his large testicles and the fact that he’s giving every senior citizen one good favor- a free sex service after the haircut. The Zohan has his own propaganda- Lather. Rinse. Save the world.

Here are some of my reasons why Scrappy Coco should not just be the older women’s hero.

1. Scrappy Coco doesn’t want to fight anymore, the only thing he wants is to work for Paul Mitchell, cut hair and please the senior citizens.
2. Scrappy Coco has the balls to tell his fellowmen that he is tired about the never ending war between the Israelites and the Palestinians- that he doesn’t want to get connected to more bombings and killings. He is an inspiration to all the soldiers in the world who use drugs, undergo methadone detox and other psychiatric proceedings after facing trauma in the battlefields. He aspires to make the world silky smooth.
3. Scrappy Coco proves to the world that we can still live together in one street and one house even if we belong to different races.
4. Scrappy Coco teaches every man that having a penis also means making every girl happy, even if she’s fifty years older than you.
5. Scrappy Coco is a hero because takes care of animals, especially goats.
6. Scrappy Coco teaches every man that to be a man doesn’t mean being in battlefields and killing people- to be a man is to have the courage to fight for your dream even if you have to cut hair and be a successful hair stylist.
7. Scrappy Coco teaches us that Mariah is really not a bitch, as others think she is.
8. Scrappy Coco teaches us about love and loving the owner of the house you are living in.
9. Scrappy Coco teaches us that every woman craves to be pampered. That older women still have some craving for sex aside from getting their hair done.
10. Scrappy Coco teaches us that your hot boss can soon be your hot girlfriend.

To Scrappy Coco, you’re not a piece of crap, actually you should be a hero. You’re not just a piece of testicle, you’re an anti-war activist, a disco advocate and a passionate lover of the senior citizens. Long live Scrappy Coco!